If you asked me when my symptoms started I would guesstimate to around 2 years ago.. You see, my memory isn’t what it used to be. I’m not even who I used to be. Do you remember that show A Monster Inside Me? The one where this so-called lady starts getting these weird symptoms only to find out she’s been inhabited by blood sucking parasites? Sometimes I feel like I have a monster living in me. It comes out when it wants, making me feel sick, helpless, emotionless, and incapable of making my own decisions. If you think that all you get with this fine monster is physical pain, well then, you got another thing coming.
Anyone who has been blessed with this disease knows that your brain is no longer controlled by you. It’s controlled by the little spirochete aliens living in your brain. When you start to change, you find out who truly cares about you, and who doesn’t. Let’s be honest, who wants to stick around someone who cancels plans, is never around and is constantly changing appointments last-minute? When you have Lyme Disease, it really tests your friends and families patience. People will slowly come and go from your life. When this happens you get confused and start blaming yourself. On most days all you want to do is lay in bed because you’re so exhausted but you don’t want to come off as a flake or incapable of doing things. It can also become overwhelming when you feel like people expect too much from you.
Intimate relationships? Forget it. The last thing on your mind will be a relationship or sex. You have other things going on in that Lyme infested brain of yours. This can lead to pushing away those you love because you feel like they deserve better. Even if they are there for you, and they assure you they are NOT going anywhere, you still feel guilty. You think to yourself, they deserve to be with someone who isn’t emotionless, and who suffers from mental disabilities. They deserve to be with someone they don’t have to constantly care for. Then you end up pushing them away completely because that guilt then turns into depression. You make up excuses that you aren’t happy with the relationship when really you, yourself are miserable.
At this point, you’re now alone. You have pushed everyone away, and those that have stuck around, you keep your thoughts to a minimum because you don’t want anyone thinking you are crazy. They don’t understand me. They don’t know what I’m going through. Why do they act like they know what I am going through? You start to get frustrated, then the anxiety and depression get even worse. You look fine, they say. Can’t you just take antibiotics? The questions and the comments hurt my head. Making me want to isolate myself even more.
Lyme Disease is much more than having physical pain, it’s mentally disabling, draining, and it can suck the life out of you. If you know someone who suffers from Lyme disease that you care about, do not talk to them as if you know what they are going through. If you care, educate yourself, and accept what they have before abandoning them or telling them that it’s all in their head, because in the end we just want some to listen to us who understands what the disease is, and how it affects us.